I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
