I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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