my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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