the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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