just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
