i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
