then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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