I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
