Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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