Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
