drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize