the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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