I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
