Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
