watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
