I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
