I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
