I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
