I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
