i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
