Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
BRING THE BAGELS
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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