Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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