i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
