Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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