I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
