is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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