i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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