Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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