I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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