Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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