I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
