They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
