What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
