did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
