I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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