I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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