Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
