stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
