I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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