I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize