That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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