Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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