she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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