just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
