Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
