Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
