I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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