walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
