I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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