I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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