just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
