I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
