So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
