he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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