I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
