I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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