I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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