everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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