Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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