She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
