If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
