Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
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