apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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