This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
whose parrot is this?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
