dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
