Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
