Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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