What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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