Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
