dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
