Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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