Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
