Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
