I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
